Published November 29, 2009
The illusions I see here before me
Break my heart and soul
Even it's beauty is deadly
Making my world unwhole
Turning my world cloudy
Into a pit less hellhole
And who are you to so cruelly
Take control
But still so faintly
I can see how parallel
Your world may be
Created by control
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
The transition ryhme in this seems to me to be a bit off.. I love the poem and how it flows a bit and I love the whole topic it just seems to be a bit weird and such like imagine a boat and if you make it too heavy or awkward it might sink. So cut off a bit of the words and it'll be A-Ok!
This is quite good, Lilly. You pulled of the rhyme wonderfully; it isn't corny or awkward, and is delicate.
A few edits:
"Even it's"
It's should be its
"pit less hellhole"
I don't understand what you're trying to say there. Rephrase that line some, see if you can't clarify its meaning.
Also: you use no punctuation whatsoever. Punctuation is important, just like a little bit of salt on food. Not too much, not too little.
Here's a gold star!
If you work on these things, you'll have a perfect piece!
-Voxina
I love the title! I love to just make up titles so this one really grab my attention.It just flowed so well, and it was very wintery, which I love! I'm a fall myself but I use to be winter a very dark winter. But your winter it's not too dark or depressing, its sad, deep, and serious, but not so much that the reader would walk away feeling hopeless. Keep up the good work!